I have known despair
I value hope
I have tasted frustration
I value fulfillment
I have been lonely
I value love
Motherhood is full of dichotomies.
Moments of complete surrender and of deep love… and moments of an overwhelming lack of control coupled with the desire to control everything.
I understand now, more than ever, that I have no control over anything.
All is but the work of something bigger than me. When I forget this… when I try to control my children, their emotions, my emotions, my experience… I loose myself and something finds me.
My “Dark Mom”
You know that place you go when everything is whirling and twirling around you. The precious miracle children become needy, crying, and messy instruments of destruction.
I do too.
When my first child was born… I met her. She came in my weakest hour.
She always comes at times of stress and uncertainty, and when I am so fucking tired. She’s ugly, angry, and SO impatient.
She yells at my kids, won’t let stupid shit go, she pouts and cries, she talks to herself, she makes weird faces… she growls. My kids are at times scared of her… and sometimes I am too.
She terrorizes herself with self-loathing thoughts. She incessantly thinks about how bad she feels about being such bad mom. The guilt… ugh, the mom guilt.The MOM GUILT. It sits on my the chest like heavy bricks of disappointment. Disappointment because the vision of motherhood as a room filled with love, peace, patience and calm, is crushed. It’s now a room filled with insecurity, illusions, so many decisions, and limited and sometimes, no support.
Beneath her is fear… complete and utter fear.
Fear she is as horrible as she feels she is. Fear her children will grow up with something wrong with them because of her. Fear she won’t break the cycle of conditioning that her parents and their parents instilled in her.
“Forgive me,” I tell my children. “I’m sorry, it’s hard being a mommy sometimes. I love you and will become better, for you, and for me.”
They always forgive me… and this has taught me to forgive myself.
I forgive myself of all these perceived notions that are really just thoughts. Thoughts that I actually DO have control over. Forgiveness always brings me to this awareness… a place of compassion, understanding and love for my Dark Mom.
She is here to tell me something… to give me a message. The message is usually that I’m not listening to my higher self, I may not be filling my own cup and have nothing left to poor. Her message is subtle and always so powerful. She reminds me to wake up, listen, and forgive.
Forgiveness is the letting go of Dark Mom, it’s the act that precedes her presence and calls her to leave. Forgiveness is the answer, compassion is the way, and her message stays.
I understand now that the dichotomy of motherhood is an absolute gift.
We must know the darkness so we can truly know the light.
We must poor from an empty cup to know how to poor from a full cup.
We must know our weakest part so that we can truly know our deepest strength.
I’m grateful she doesn’t show up as often anymore. With forgiveness and compassion I’ve relinquish her control and know immediately when she has arrived, I must listen.
I hope you can forgive her too… Give your Dark Mom a place to find comfort and rest and a place of acceptance and love.
This motherhood experience is hard, love yourself and appreciate all you do. Wake up everyday, look in the mirror and say “I love you, thank you.” It’s life-changing.
Let us, Mothers, listen to the deepest darkest parts of ourselves… for there is only darkness where light is not present. Shine your light on her.
I love you all and hope some of you can relate to this Dark Mom experience. I hope you use it to grow and to truly see the light within you all.